ABSENT-MINDED COLUMBUS FORGETS HIS FRIENDS IN THE INDIES

HAD A LOT ON HIS MIND March 15, 1493 Palos, Spain Fast-talking salesman and part-time sailor Christopher Columbus returned today from his hugely hyped “journey of discovery” to the East…

VICTORIOUS KING ASOKA SORRY FOR WINNING WAR

WARRIOR-KING A PACIFIST 261 B.C. Pataliputra, India The Great King Asoka, ruler of all India, the most powerful king India has ever seen, has crushed the kingdom of Kalinga, destroying…

LORD BYRON DIES MOST ROMANTIC POSSIBLE DEATH

EXPIRES IN THE ARMS OF HIS GONDOLIER April 19, 1824 Missolonghi, Greece Lord Byron died like a poet. The man who scandalized a nation; who took Europe by storm; who…

TENZING NORGAY FIRST TO CLIMB EVEREST

(ALSO SOME FOREIGNER) May 29, 1953 11:30 A.M. Tibet Local Sherpa Tenzing Norgay climbed to the top of Chomolungma (which outsiders call Mount Everest) today. With him was an Australian…

SAUCY PEGGY EATON STARTS CAT FIGHT IN CABINET

PRESIDENT DEFENDS LOOSE WOMAN September 10, 1829 Washington, D.C. Peggy Eaton, daughter of an Irish tavern-keeper- and a notorious social climber- has been causing mayhem in the Jackson presidency for…

CORPSE DOCTOR ANDREAS VESELIUS FINDS ADAMS RIB

SHOWMAN SURGEON PROVIDES PROOF AFTER 5,000 YEARS May 2, 1539 Padua Andreas Vesalius, the show-off surgeon, found Adam’s lost rib today. And he did it in front of an audience.…

XERXES CRUSHES SPARTANS AT THERMOPYLAE

300 NOT NEARLY ENOUGH August 17, 480 B.C. Thermopylae, Greece Xerxes, the great and mighty King of Persia, has defeated the Greeks, as we all knew he would. The Spartans,…

STALWART WALLY PIPP TAKES A DAY OFF

HE’LL BE BACK TOMORROW June 2, 1925 The Bronx, New York Wally Pipp, a fixture at first base for the last ten years, took a day off today, and the…

CALIGULA’S RACEHORSE THROWS DINNER PARTY

CELEBRATES NEW MARBLE STALL Rome A Summer Night, A.D. 38 Rome Incitatus is the most popular person in Rome these days, even though he’s not a person. He’s the emperor’s…

JILTED QUEEN KATHERINE REFUSES TO RETURN HER CROWN

OUT TO PASTURE June 1, 1533 London, England Now that King Henry’s new wife, Anne, has been crowned queen, what will become of his old wife, Katherine? Though it’s impossible…